One Wish: A Normal Life

I want to wake up just like how it was 20 years ago but in a different place.

I want to be awaken by the smell of breakfast prepared by my mom.

I want to sit on the table to eat with her and my siblings as we talk about things.

Work, relationships, petty issues in the house, our pet maybe, anything under the sun.

Then I want to go about my day...

I would go to my work and feel secured because I have a stable job.

I don't think of doing anywhere else because I'm doing the type of work that I like.

The people I work with are just as satisfied as I am.

During lunch time, I'll be eating out with my colleagues.

We talk about work but we are generally happy. So, we joke most of the time.

We laugh just like the way I laughed over lunch with my friends back in the university.

Then we go on working til the end of the shift.

After work, we go on our separate lives, although sometimes we still hang out.

I go out on and prepare for my regular evening dates with my fiance.

We talk about the coming wedding and a lot of other things.

We plan to get married in a place by the lake.

Everything is ready. We are prepared financially.

Then he takes me home.

He stays for a while at home to have a short chat with my mom and my siblings.

They are pretty close.

I snuggle close to him on the couch feeling lucky because our future is coming and it is bright.

I feel bubble wrapped watching my loved ones talk.

Then he goes home and I say up a little with my mom for some dessert.

We talk about our days and our plans.

I tell her about the vacation I arranged for her.

She's happy because she can finally see that I'm fulfilling my promise to her when I was young,

the free trips.

I see the contour of her eyes and her face and notice how gracefully she is aging.

I whisper to myself that I'd like to grow old the way she did.

Then I say goodnight.

I wash my face and brush my teeth.

I thank God for my beautiful and peaceful life.

I go to sleep happy knowing that everything is ok and normal.

I have nothing more to ask.

Boxed In

My pulse is racing.

Tears.

I've been trying to keep it well hidden behind my eyes.

The noise.

It's been getting louder these days.

That noise.

I thought ignoring it could eventually make it go.

That noise.

It watches me like a helpless prey.

Then it pounces at my sleep.

The time I least expect it's attack.

My words.

Are like whispers on the wall hunting me.

These words.

Are imprisoned in my head for me to mull over.

These words.

Have turned darker and darker.

These words need to be out.

My mind.

Stops me from letting out any word.

This mind.

Has lost it's trust.

This mind has made a prison out of my head.

The only window to my words is my eyes.

My eyes.

Speaks of my sadness no matter how I hide.

These eyes.

I wish were hidden somehow.

For I don't want to think that I feel.

But I need to feel.

The pain.

It's more than what I deserve.

This pain.

I've tried to keep to myself.

My mind has made up words for this pain.

But my avoidance has made this pain so heavy.

Now it's unbearable.

My actions.

Have been innocent from the start.

But their noise.

Sent me running the other side.

I can't deal with the noise they make.

The type of noise that can drown a weary soul.

The type of noise that they've used to torture me.

The type of noise that I've been so eagerly ignoring.

Now I just want to speak.

To speak against the noise.

My words have stayed prison inside my head long enough.

My mind's had enough.

My pulse is racing.

This tender act of justice is quenching me.

Like water.

Like warm water that embraces me.

To the one I'll let pass.

I'll lead you on because I know you want me to.
I'll be your dream, your open ended story.
I'll be that girl that you'll regret ever meeting.
Because you'll just let me pass.

In your lifetime, you'll think that we once fell inlove.
I won't say a word, you'll be the same in me.
I'll keep our memories hidden in the corners of my mind.
You'll be the cause of my tears. The one that got awat.

So, if you see me stop one day, don't cry my dear.
I'll marry and have my oen family, move on my love.
Because you have a very special spot in my heart.
That place I'll only visit when life gets a little lonely.

Just lick. Don't Bite.

I tried Magnum out of curiosity
And I was caught by surprise.
The chocolate covered popsicle is one of a kind.

I started from the top
The chocolate melts in the mouth.
Then I sucked what's inside.
Melted vanilla on my tongue.

I had to maneuver
I cannot make a spill.
I had to lick all the sides to make sure there's no drip.

I sucked gently and carefully
The chocolate cannot drop
Until there was nothing left but a popsicle stick
With a few chocolates clinging on the sides.

I licked it off so very carefully
'til the stick was neat as new.
Then I threw it in a trashcan wearing a silly smile on my face
Because by then I knew that I just practiced kissing.

Describe yourself: I'm ice cold.

Perhaps, you may have asked yourself, "What happened to her? She seemed OK to me. Why do they dislike her?" Well, in fact, I asked myself the same question. The moment I heard all the negative comments, I felt misunderstood. Then after the long and painful process of mulling over what I might have done and how they might have reacted to my actions, I eventually came to ask myself "What's wrong with me? Why did they side with my hater? Because sir, I have one. But we will go to that later." Then I was enlightened.

Work wise, I can say that I was OK. In fact, if there was a hidden camera somewhere in the office, I'm sure you might have said the same. But the problem was my inability to adjust to environment that I was in. After much thinking, I realized that the people inside the office are very vocal. They complain when they had to. They say exactly what they want to say, although they sometimes do it indirectly. I, however, remained quiet as ever. But my face doesn't hide anything. It's transparent as water. And that was a bad combination. It jeopardized my career. I owed my colleagues my explanation for the times I frowned after they've said or done something that I disapproved of. For instance, during those times that I went back to the office longer than I was supposed to be out for an errand, I should have explained to them that I was asked to wait that's why I came back late. They may not have asked for an explanation, but they deserved to hear one. I also owed myself an apology because I didn't make any attempt to clear my name. There was even one instance when I was reprimanded by an uber senior for doing a task for so long. I should have told her that after she left, one phone call after another came and I catered all even those phone calls at the other line. When she came back, that was only the time that I started doing the task I was supposed to do.

Lastly, the issue with my hater. I kept asking myself then why she was always angry at everyone especially towards me. Then I came to this conclusion. She's fire, I'm ice. While she's very vocal with her angst, I remain a mystery to her. She can see that I disapprove of the way she has treated me and the way that she's treating the others, but not knowing what I have to say or my opinion angers her all the more. She's been very unprofessional towards me. She didn't leave me any endorsement four times and once when I confronted her about one task that she neglected and passed on to me, she merely said that neglecting that task is really done on all juniors. That for me was unprofessional. I hold her responsible for spreading rumors about me. At least two of my colleagues have told me that she was saying things behind my back and I once overheard her. The story was changed slightly to make me appear bad. Perhaps, it's one of the reasons why some sided with her. Because she was the one talking. I did nothing to defend myself.


And before I go, I'd like to say that it's good that we only talked now. All the weeks of waiting had lead me to see things in a more objective light. Had we talked right away, I might have only said emotional reasons. And that won't do me any good. I do understand also that you were just in fear that I might also do what the one that preceded me did. That's why you didn't talk to me right away. So, I just have to let you know that there's two things in myself that I'm proud of, it would be my professionalism and my integrity. I put a high premium on those two qualities because I see those qualities as pillars to being a good worker.

Knelt down to pray. But no.. Have to go to work now.

I had a dream last night.

I entered the church to attend a mass. Knelt down, hoped for some words of wisdom from the good priest who will be presiding the mass that day. But I noticed right away that the crowd was thin and there was but a few healthy looking people. And so I asked what the occasion was and I was politely answered that there was going to be a healing priest that day. There will be no mass. 

I thought of going home but after thorough thinking, I opted to stay. I thought to myself "I need emotional healing." And so I waited until it was my turn. I knelt down in front of the priest and started talking about how much the bully at work and her allies are hurting me. But I paused when I noticed that the priest wasn't paying attention. Instead of listening to me, he was talking to someone else. Then I check my watch, noticed that it was just a few minutes before work. So, I decided to call the priest's attention. I said in a rather sarcastic tone "Father, is it really my turn already? You see, I have to go to work in a bit."

The irony and the comedy of life...

I was praying to be healed or perhaps to be spared from the pain from the people at work but then I prioritized going to work on time more than my time for prayer. Perhaps that was what I was becoming. A person wanting escape but not really making a way to get out of the rut. Soon I'll be. But for that to happen, I have to conquer my fear of talking about the "uncomfortable" truth that's been hunting me in the past months. Uncomfortable because it caused me my self esteem and self confidence. I'll say exactly what happened. That I've been gossiped at and I've been bullied. 

And finally, the jury...

The priest wasn't paying attention. That I can relate to those above me at work. I mentioned in passing during my first interview with the general manager that there's "bullying" issues in our workplace. But he simply laughed it off. Was he paying attention? Maybe. Does he care? Perhaps yes. But if his employees really matter to him, he will do something to create a healthy working environment. And that is, an environment free from gossip and bullying, where only those who are kind and polite can thrive.

Courage

Rumor has it that I am bad.

It took away the confidence that I once had.

Rumor has it that I'll be going away.

But I'll keep my lips sealed until that very day.

Will I ever get over this mess? Yes.

Will I ever get to my dreams? Yes.

But how do I ask for approval from someone who's heard?

How do I explain my side without sounding absurd?

For all I know, I've been good to the core.

The only mistake I've done was to react to what seems wrong.

For it, I've been shun.

For that, I'm being crushed.

So now, I will only be asking for a good word or two.

I'll leave with dignity but I'll take those words with me before I do.

I'll gather all my courage to ask for I deserve it.

Then I'll go on with my life thinking how strong I've been to make it through.

Where do I hang Affection?

Pack your boots.

I have a box to keep it crisp.

Listen now.

You hear my voice, these words are exclusive:

Affection.

It's better hanged on a permanent spot.

If it's not, the feeling is most hollow and unsettling.

So, where do I hang mine?

To you? To him? To the frog that turned into a prince?

Give me a clock.

I need some tick tack to know if I'm wasting time thinking.

Thinking of you, of him, and of my dream.

Just because my affection needs a new spot.

I wore a dress.

It's for your eyes to stay fancied.

Watch me now.

I'll stop. My smitten eyes can rest on you.

You. A dream.

My affection is the cloud.

From above looking down for a cup that it's rain can fill in.

My heart in broken lines...

Once upon a time,
I was sure it was you that I want.
Perhaps out of passion and out of wonder it was.
You were that gentle hunk that I adored.
I felt so safe being loved by you.

And then we ended up together.
What hardship it was loving you - you being far from me.
But it was all worth it because you made me happy.
You only had to say those 3 letter words that waited for each morning.
Though it didn't last long.

One day,
I just woke up and realized that my love for you was hanging on a thread.
No more I love yous in the morning and sweet kisses in the evening from you.
And all I had to settle for were your apologies.
Apologies that only remained as is because you've chosen not to change.

However,
We persisted.
Me, hanging on and waiting for your words - goodbye.
You, giving less and less of your time.
In my thoughts, we're both just afraid of endings.
Terrified of starting over.

And so we'll both go on like this.
Pretending that we love each other when we actually don't.
Saying I love you but doing nothing to prove that we're still in love.
Loving each other still
But looking for an escape.

To settle for not knowing

Stealing glances you and I
The world stops
It freezes each moment our eyes meet

Subtle cues shared between you and I
Each moment framed
Just like clips from a movie scene

We never said a word
But it was obvious that our feelings were strong
They noticed but we just kept mum

What we wanted to believe is that we feel the same
What we didn't know is that we felt the same
What we failed to tell is that we felt the same
But we just settled for not knowing

Now here we are
Talking like there's no tomorrow
Our exchange of words speak nothing of what we've felt before
Because it's still there
But now it's too late

How can we be friends?

How can we be friends when I melt at your stare?
...when my world suddenly stops when you're around?
...when my words leave me when we're talking?
...when I feel naked and blank when you're near?

How can I be yours when all that I need to be your friend falls and scatters like ice on concrete ground when you and I are in one room?

In my mind its all passionate kisses and romantic scenes.
But in reality, I can't even hold you.
Because for me you are a walking fancy.
Much more precious than a fist full of diamonds.

I can take a chance.
But the only chance I can take is to expose my feelings to you.
It may burst my bubble or it may draw me closer,
But for now, I can never ask for anything more.

Dear Man of My Dreams...

I'm still a Juliet waiting for my Charlie...
...A Lily waiting for my Marshall.
...An Ellie waiting for my Captain Awesome.

He must be out there, somewhere...
The man who will fall head over heels for me...
The man who will stand up for me...
The man who's gestures I'll die for...
The man who will fight for my worth and put me to the pedestal...

He is good looking...
He is well educated...
Yet he values the small things that matters to me...

He isn't perfect...
But his imperfection is something I can handle...

Who is he, I don't know...
Have a met him, I'm not sure...
But he must be there...
Waiting for me, too...

Tagalog Translation: Ang Pangkayleng Edisyon

meningitis - magang kokote

house keeper - ate

Johnny Walker - Juan Magala

buffet - lafang to sawa

Christopher Lao: A view of our messed up mentality

Who would want to be in this guy's shoes?

It's disappointing how Christopher Lao's distress generated criticism from all over the country. It isn't fair for him and it isn't fair for us. It reflects how messed up our society's mentality is. That instead of showing sympathy for someone who just damaged his car, was interrogated impromptu by the media and was victimized by the city's flood, he was laughed at and humiliated by thousands of people online instead.

An article was released by one of his block mates a few days after the incident explaining Chris' situation. According to the article, Chris is from Mindanao which explains his lack of familiarity with the streets here in Manila. He was on his way to fetch his daughter because his wife was stranded in the office because of the flood. He's also currently busy studying for the Bar exams. Aside from that, he just learned how to drive when he went to law school. He's not a pro as a driver but he braved the flooded streets for his wife and his daughter. And after being humiliated online by thousands of netizens, he even issued an apology for criticizing everybody but himself for what happened. According to the people who know him, he's not arrogant at all. He's in fact low key despite being brilliant academically.

He's just a victim. Most of his critics just joined the bandwagon without even thinking. That twisted mentality is what pulls the rest of us down. Bakit nga ba tayo nanghuhusga ng taong wala namang ginawa saatin? The guy was in distress and was most probably in panic when media interviewed him. He didn't harm anyone. Sure, he wasn't good looking enough to get the sympathy of the viewers. So, he became the laughing stock instead. He might have used the wrong words in expressing his anguish about the terrible situation that he's going through. But he's just like most of us. We all make mistakes and we sometimes say the wrong words. We all go through bad days. We're just lucky that the media failed to capture those bad days we had.

The bottom line is that we don't need to participate in this modern day gossip. Let's focus our energy on something more relevant. Christopher Lao was right when he pointed out that there has to be signs on streets where it's flooded. He also had the right to demand to be informed. It's our right. We must not just accept what we got accustomed to in the streets. There's still a lot that has to be changed and improved out there. Christopher Lao was just brave enough to speak out.

I just turned four.

My day's highlights.

I'M VERY YOUNG:

Nobody knew at school that it was my birthday until the principal came in and announced to the kids that it's my birthday. They got excited and went where I was and asked me how old I am. I said "I'm four years old." They got more excited. The girls started jumping and clapping saying "Teacher, we're the same. I'm also four." Then I asked them, "Do you really think I'm four?" One said "No teacher. I think you're five years old." The rest seems convinced that I'm just four. I just smiled. They believed me. ;-)

ON MARRIAGE:

Since it's Valentine's Day on Monday, the kids were given the chance to share what they know about love. Typically the kids talked about sharing their snacks and giving away cards to their friends. One of the youngest girl in class caught my attention when she knelt in front of me on one knee and extended her arms (as if holding a bouquet of flowers) while saying "Teacher, it's when a boy gives a girl some flowers and asks Will you marry me?" In my mind I was saying "Oh, so you watch too much romance movies with your mom, huh?" Later that day we got the chance to talk again. This time she told me how much she loves Justine Beiber. Lastly, she said "Teacher, I want to marry him." Oh kids...

LICENSE PICTURES:

Nothing's changed. I still look ugly in my driver's license. I wished to look better in my PRC ID. Apparently, the girl in the cheap photoshop messed up my picture by editing it a little too much. I like my wavy hair but she made it look as if it's straight. It emphasized the 'current' thin frame of my face. I wanted to ask her to change it. But I was in a hurry. Come what may. At least I was wearing a wide smile and it'll only appear small in the ID. :-)

WALL FLOODING:

This was my stat a few hours before my birthday:

"Well thought of birthday greetings are welcomed on my wall. But if it's just "Happy birthday", please just comment on this wall post or send me a message. Thank you."

Only a few commented. The rest missed the stat. So, my wall now shouts "Happy Birthday". But it's alright. At least they made an effort to greet me. :-)

CLEAN UP:

I will clean up my wall and tag friends in this note as a way of saying "Thank you" for the greetings. Birthdays come only once a year. As we age and as we gain more responsibilities, birthdays become more insignificant. But a birthday greeting is like a pat on the back. Always reminding us to take it easy and to slow down a bit even just for a day. Today, a received lot of it. I can sleep with a smile on my face. :-)

Where the Wild Things Are? In my head...

She seems to be in hiding but my intiution tells me that she knows I'll find her somehow. It's been more than a year since we last talked and I can tell that she's happy from her notes and blog posts. Looking back, I know that we could have saved our friendship if not for our pride or our dramas back then. I was depressed and she was hiding her pain. I was openly hurting and she was pretending to be ok. I felt I had more right to let go of the friendship that lasted for more than a decade because I felt more neglected. I was alone and I was at my lowest point. I needed understanding. But false judgement was what I got instead. She was happy (or maybe pretending that she is). She got reunited to her old flame (which I disapproved of eventually). I only got myself and her, my bestfriend.

I saved myself from having regrets and learned to let go. She wasn't the first one that I had to let go that year. I've learned that people change. Some will go and believe it or not they will be replaced. Some will choose to stay despite the changes and that's where compromise play its part. Some will keep coming back, so, you don't have to invest too much emotion on them. In a nutshell, relationships vary and you have to be flexible. You've got to have an open mind to understand all these to navigate through life. We live with people and we'll keep on inteacting with people up to our very last breath.

So, her life will go on and so does my life. We're both happy and contended with the way things are. I still think about her once in a while and I stalk her blogsite to know how she is. My pride has created a very thick wall between us. It always remind me of the last words I've told her. I've hold it true in my heart and I know there's no longer room for reconciliation. But I still miss her and I know that the memories I had with her will never be forgotten. She's like a ghost, constantly lingering in the places we've been to together. She's my favorite memory from the past and I think no one will ever replace her throne. She was my bestfriend and I will never look for another now that I know I can love myself more than any friend can. I'm contented with that. I am my own bestfriend.

Deflate the balloon

THERE'S A BOX THAT I DON'T WANT TO OPEN:

Beside me now is a box enough to swallow me. It has a bunch of goodies inside I know for sure. But I don't want to open it. Not because I don't want what's inside it but because I've been cleaning up clutter since after my weekend trip and I'm not even halfway done. My body haven't even recovered yet. I'm tired, drained and I have work until tomorrow. There's nothing that I want to do but to relax.

THE WRITER'S BLAH:

Just yesterday, I read the news about the "supermoon" on March19 being a natural occurrence and that the tides will only be a little higher/lower than usual. The writer said that there will be no tsunami despite the fact that a tsunami happened some years ago in Thailand a week before a supermoon. I wonder what's running in his mind right now.

FIRSTS AND LASTS:

It was my first time to try the free shuttle service of Gateway-Alimall today. It was fun. It was like a mini city tour in a place I know so well. I'd ride that shuttle again next time.

My favorite little boy in class tagged along his mom in today's PTC. His mom said that he won't be going to school already next week. As a goodbye, he gave a hug and a kiss. He doesn't have an idea how much I'll miss him. I get teary eyed whenever I think about the possibility of not seeing him again. I hope he'll grow up to be a great guy. I miss him already and it breaks my heart. I'm not even being cheesy.

I GAVE A WARNING:

I know myself. In fact, I know myself so well that I give out warnings even before I act on something. Some months ago, before deciding on climbing Mt.Apo, I aired out that I'm weak and I don't have enough gears to pass as someone capable of climbing that mountain. But nobody discouraged me. In fact, I was encouraged all the more. Much to my dismay when my weaknesses and lack of gear was taken against me during the climb itself. Did anybody even listen when I said I'm weak and I'm not planning to purchase anything that I won't use eventually? If yes, why did I feel so unsupported after that shouting incident happened? I don't even know when I'll have the chance to climb another mountain again. To add, I climb mountains to relieve myself from stress and to have fun. But honestly, all these tasks, groupings and performance assessment is wearing me off. I need a fun group not another work group.

Some people marry for all the wrong P-reasons (pronounced as prisons)...

Physical attraction

Passion

Practicality

Pregnancy

Politics

Power

Prestige

Popularity

Pressure

...when the only reason must be the readiness to start a family and to sustain it.

Readiness takes time for some. Some have it naturally...

Readiness is not being romantic or sentimental. It is maturity.

Maturity is not elegance or refineness. It is wisdom put into action.

Wisdom is not being condescending. It is the capacity to understand and act on the complexities of life.

Marriage is not a destination. It's a calling.

Stereotyping ACTION...

ACTION MOVIE:

A movie wherein a good looking underdog (or underdogs if they're many) wreaks havoc in a certain location. That location can be a city, a town or a planet. The madness is usually driven by a certain cause which often gravitates to power, vengeance, money or a special person (who's more often than not good looking). Of course, the damage inflicted on the location, irregardless of the lives of the innocent people living there, is always justified. Quite strangely, I'm starting to appreciate it. It all started with Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

ACTION HERO:

The good looking underdog who's task is to chase after the ugly guy. The chase often involves wreaking havok and mass killing. But since he's (or she's) good looking and he's (or she's) an underdog, his (or her) actions are justfied. He's (or She's) usually the one who wins at the end of the story.

ACTION VILLAIN:

The ugly looking underdog who's usually misunderstood. His (or Her) story is usually not heard or included in the story. Nobody is supposed to care about his (or her) character because he (or she) is supposed to scare or annoy the audience. He (or She) is usually the smart one, tho. But of course, the hero has to win. So, he or she has to die or be exiled at the end of the story.

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful" - Who's fault is it?

We live in a competitive society where even those who are below our equals or our competition radars try to compete with us. And believe me when I say that no matter how much we tell ourselves and our friends that "they" don't affect us, they actually do. In fact, they are oftentimes even more annoying than those people we perceive as our equals or our competition. That's why we see a lot of angry and distressed stats about "insecure" and even "ugly" people. This is true especially for those who never initiates bitchiness in a room. I, for one, had been a victim of this crazy scenario a couple of times and had blacklisted people because of this. I've been shouted at, gossiped and devalued when I never had the intention to get into such mess because a hostile environment is too toxic for me. I thrive where there's respect and peace. It's where I'm happy.

But it got me into thinking. Is it entirely the fault of those people who hate us because they're insecure? I used to think that it is, but I changed my mind. When we put our blame entirely on them, we become the bitch. We have it all; we are pretty, smart and desirable. What's left for them? Perhaps they're devalued a lot because of their lack of this and that. So even if they secretly admire or love us, they're on the defense. Because they have none. So, whenever they see us, they feel threatened. Human by nature is territorial. All of us are inclined to protect what we believe belongs to us or should belong to us.

So, while it's natural to initally hate our haters, it's wrong dwell on the pain they've caused and put the blame fully on them. Because as long as we look and act threatening, it'll always be partly our fault. In fact, we must learn to say "I'm sorry if I was threatening to you. I'll do my best to make you feel good as much as possible" sincerely. In that way, they'll see their value. Once they do, that's only the time that they will see us not as a threat but as a friend. I think looking non-threatening is a must have skill.