Where do I hang Affection?

Pack your boots.

I have a box to keep it crisp.

Listen now.

You hear my voice, these words are exclusive:

Affection.

It's better hanged on a permanent spot.

If it's not, the feeling is most hollow and unsettling.

So, where do I hang mine?

To you? To him? To the frog that turned into a prince?

Give me a clock.

I need some tick tack to know if I'm wasting time thinking.

Thinking of you, of him, and of my dream.

Just because my affection needs a new spot.

I wore a dress.

It's for your eyes to stay fancied.

Watch me now.

I'll stop. My smitten eyes can rest on you.

You. A dream.

My affection is the cloud.

From above looking down for a cup that it's rain can fill in.

My heart in broken lines...

Once upon a time,
I was sure it was you that I want.
Perhaps out of passion and out of wonder it was.
You were that gentle hunk that I adored.
I felt so safe being loved by you.

And then we ended up together.
What hardship it was loving you - you being far from me.
But it was all worth it because you made me happy.
You only had to say those 3 letter words that waited for each morning.
Though it didn't last long.

One day,
I just woke up and realized that my love for you was hanging on a thread.
No more I love yous in the morning and sweet kisses in the evening from you.
And all I had to settle for were your apologies.
Apologies that only remained as is because you've chosen not to change.

However,
We persisted.
Me, hanging on and waiting for your words - goodbye.
You, giving less and less of your time.
In my thoughts, we're both just afraid of endings.
Terrified of starting over.

And so we'll both go on like this.
Pretending that we love each other when we actually don't.
Saying I love you but doing nothing to prove that we're still in love.
Loving each other still
But looking for an escape.

To settle for not knowing

Stealing glances you and I
The world stops
It freezes each moment our eyes meet

Subtle cues shared between you and I
Each moment framed
Just like clips from a movie scene

We never said a word
But it was obvious that our feelings were strong
They noticed but we just kept mum

What we wanted to believe is that we feel the same
What we didn't know is that we felt the same
What we failed to tell is that we felt the same
But we just settled for not knowing

Now here we are
Talking like there's no tomorrow
Our exchange of words speak nothing of what we've felt before
Because it's still there
But now it's too late

How can we be friends?

How can we be friends when I melt at your stare?
...when my world suddenly stops when you're around?
...when my words leave me when we're talking?
...when I feel naked and blank when you're near?

How can I be yours when all that I need to be your friend falls and scatters like ice on concrete ground when you and I are in one room?

In my mind its all passionate kisses and romantic scenes.
But in reality, I can't even hold you.
Because for me you are a walking fancy.
Much more precious than a fist full of diamonds.

I can take a chance.
But the only chance I can take is to expose my feelings to you.
It may burst my bubble or it may draw me closer,
But for now, I can never ask for anything more.

Dear Man of My Dreams...

I'm still a Juliet waiting for my Charlie...
...A Lily waiting for my Marshall.
...An Ellie waiting for my Captain Awesome.

He must be out there, somewhere...
The man who will fall head over heels for me...
The man who will stand up for me...
The man who's gestures I'll die for...
The man who will fight for my worth and put me to the pedestal...

He is good looking...
He is well educated...
Yet he values the small things that matters to me...

He isn't perfect...
But his imperfection is something I can handle...

Who is he, I don't know...
Have a met him, I'm not sure...
But he must be there...
Waiting for me, too...

Tagalog Translation: Ang Pangkayleng Edisyon

meningitis - magang kokote

house keeper - ate

Johnny Walker - Juan Magala

buffet - lafang to sawa

Christopher Lao: A view of our messed up mentality

Who would want to be in this guy's shoes?

It's disappointing how Christopher Lao's distress generated criticism from all over the country. It isn't fair for him and it isn't fair for us. It reflects how messed up our society's mentality is. That instead of showing sympathy for someone who just damaged his car, was interrogated impromptu by the media and was victimized by the city's flood, he was laughed at and humiliated by thousands of people online instead.

An article was released by one of his block mates a few days after the incident explaining Chris' situation. According to the article, Chris is from Mindanao which explains his lack of familiarity with the streets here in Manila. He was on his way to fetch his daughter because his wife was stranded in the office because of the flood. He's also currently busy studying for the Bar exams. Aside from that, he just learned how to drive when he went to law school. He's not a pro as a driver but he braved the flooded streets for his wife and his daughter. And after being humiliated online by thousands of netizens, he even issued an apology for criticizing everybody but himself for what happened. According to the people who know him, he's not arrogant at all. He's in fact low key despite being brilliant academically.

He's just a victim. Most of his critics just joined the bandwagon without even thinking. That twisted mentality is what pulls the rest of us down. Bakit nga ba tayo nanghuhusga ng taong wala namang ginawa saatin? The guy was in distress and was most probably in panic when media interviewed him. He didn't harm anyone. Sure, he wasn't good looking enough to get the sympathy of the viewers. So, he became the laughing stock instead. He might have used the wrong words in expressing his anguish about the terrible situation that he's going through. But he's just like most of us. We all make mistakes and we sometimes say the wrong words. We all go through bad days. We're just lucky that the media failed to capture those bad days we had.

The bottom line is that we don't need to participate in this modern day gossip. Let's focus our energy on something more relevant. Christopher Lao was right when he pointed out that there has to be signs on streets where it's flooded. He also had the right to demand to be informed. It's our right. We must not just accept what we got accustomed to in the streets. There's still a lot that has to be changed and improved out there. Christopher Lao was just brave enough to speak out.

I just turned four.

My day's highlights.

I'M VERY YOUNG:

Nobody knew at school that it was my birthday until the principal came in and announced to the kids that it's my birthday. They got excited and went where I was and asked me how old I am. I said "I'm four years old." They got more excited. The girls started jumping and clapping saying "Teacher, we're the same. I'm also four." Then I asked them, "Do you really think I'm four?" One said "No teacher. I think you're five years old." The rest seems convinced that I'm just four. I just smiled. They believed me. ;-)

ON MARRIAGE:

Since it's Valentine's Day on Monday, the kids were given the chance to share what they know about love. Typically the kids talked about sharing their snacks and giving away cards to their friends. One of the youngest girl in class caught my attention when she knelt in front of me on one knee and extended her arms (as if holding a bouquet of flowers) while saying "Teacher, it's when a boy gives a girl some flowers and asks Will you marry me?" In my mind I was saying "Oh, so you watch too much romance movies with your mom, huh?" Later that day we got the chance to talk again. This time she told me how much she loves Justine Beiber. Lastly, she said "Teacher, I want to marry him." Oh kids...

LICENSE PICTURES:

Nothing's changed. I still look ugly in my driver's license. I wished to look better in my PRC ID. Apparently, the girl in the cheap photoshop messed up my picture by editing it a little too much. I like my wavy hair but she made it look as if it's straight. It emphasized the 'current' thin frame of my face. I wanted to ask her to change it. But I was in a hurry. Come what may. At least I was wearing a wide smile and it'll only appear small in the ID. :-)

WALL FLOODING:

This was my stat a few hours before my birthday:

"Well thought of birthday greetings are welcomed on my wall. But if it's just "Happy birthday", please just comment on this wall post or send me a message. Thank you."

Only a few commented. The rest missed the stat. So, my wall now shouts "Happy Birthday". But it's alright. At least they made an effort to greet me. :-)

CLEAN UP:

I will clean up my wall and tag friends in this note as a way of saying "Thank you" for the greetings. Birthdays come only once a year. As we age and as we gain more responsibilities, birthdays become more insignificant. But a birthday greeting is like a pat on the back. Always reminding us to take it easy and to slow down a bit even just for a day. Today, a received lot of it. I can sleep with a smile on my face. :-)

Where the Wild Things Are? In my head...

She seems to be in hiding but my intiution tells me that she knows I'll find her somehow. It's been more than a year since we last talked and I can tell that she's happy from her notes and blog posts. Looking back, I know that we could have saved our friendship if not for our pride or our dramas back then. I was depressed and she was hiding her pain. I was openly hurting and she was pretending to be ok. I felt I had more right to let go of the friendship that lasted for more than a decade because I felt more neglected. I was alone and I was at my lowest point. I needed understanding. But false judgement was what I got instead. She was happy (or maybe pretending that she is). She got reunited to her old flame (which I disapproved of eventually). I only got myself and her, my bestfriend.

I saved myself from having regrets and learned to let go. She wasn't the first one that I had to let go that year. I've learned that people change. Some will go and believe it or not they will be replaced. Some will choose to stay despite the changes and that's where compromise play its part. Some will keep coming back, so, you don't have to invest too much emotion on them. In a nutshell, relationships vary and you have to be flexible. You've got to have an open mind to understand all these to navigate through life. We live with people and we'll keep on inteacting with people up to our very last breath.

So, her life will go on and so does my life. We're both happy and contended with the way things are. I still think about her once in a while and I stalk her blogsite to know how she is. My pride has created a very thick wall between us. It always remind me of the last words I've told her. I've hold it true in my heart and I know there's no longer room for reconciliation. But I still miss her and I know that the memories I had with her will never be forgotten. She's like a ghost, constantly lingering in the places we've been to together. She's my favorite memory from the past and I think no one will ever replace her throne. She was my bestfriend and I will never look for another now that I know I can love myself more than any friend can. I'm contented with that. I am my own bestfriend.

Deflate the balloon

THERE'S A BOX THAT I DON'T WANT TO OPEN:

Beside me now is a box enough to swallow me. It has a bunch of goodies inside I know for sure. But I don't want to open it. Not because I don't want what's inside it but because I've been cleaning up clutter since after my weekend trip and I'm not even halfway done. My body haven't even recovered yet. I'm tired, drained and I have work until tomorrow. There's nothing that I want to do but to relax.

THE WRITER'S BLAH:

Just yesterday, I read the news about the "supermoon" on March19 being a natural occurrence and that the tides will only be a little higher/lower than usual. The writer said that there will be no tsunami despite the fact that a tsunami happened some years ago in Thailand a week before a supermoon. I wonder what's running in his mind right now.

FIRSTS AND LASTS:

It was my first time to try the free shuttle service of Gateway-Alimall today. It was fun. It was like a mini city tour in a place I know so well. I'd ride that shuttle again next time.

My favorite little boy in class tagged along his mom in today's PTC. His mom said that he won't be going to school already next week. As a goodbye, he gave a hug and a kiss. He doesn't have an idea how much I'll miss him. I get teary eyed whenever I think about the possibility of not seeing him again. I hope he'll grow up to be a great guy. I miss him already and it breaks my heart. I'm not even being cheesy.

I GAVE A WARNING:

I know myself. In fact, I know myself so well that I give out warnings even before I act on something. Some months ago, before deciding on climbing Mt.Apo, I aired out that I'm weak and I don't have enough gears to pass as someone capable of climbing that mountain. But nobody discouraged me. In fact, I was encouraged all the more. Much to my dismay when my weaknesses and lack of gear was taken against me during the climb itself. Did anybody even listen when I said I'm weak and I'm not planning to purchase anything that I won't use eventually? If yes, why did I feel so unsupported after that shouting incident happened? I don't even know when I'll have the chance to climb another mountain again. To add, I climb mountains to relieve myself from stress and to have fun. But honestly, all these tasks, groupings and performance assessment is wearing me off. I need a fun group not another work group.

Some people marry for all the wrong P-reasons (pronounced as prisons)...

Physical attraction

Passion

Practicality

Pregnancy

Politics

Power

Prestige

Popularity

Pressure

...when the only reason must be the readiness to start a family and to sustain it.

Readiness takes time for some. Some have it naturally...

Readiness is not being romantic or sentimental. It is maturity.

Maturity is not elegance or refineness. It is wisdom put into action.

Wisdom is not being condescending. It is the capacity to understand and act on the complexities of life.

Marriage is not a destination. It's a calling.

Stereotyping ACTION...

ACTION MOVIE:

A movie wherein a good looking underdog (or underdogs if they're many) wreaks havoc in a certain location. That location can be a city, a town or a planet. The madness is usually driven by a certain cause which often gravitates to power, vengeance, money or a special person (who's more often than not good looking). Of course, the damage inflicted on the location, irregardless of the lives of the innocent people living there, is always justified. Quite strangely, I'm starting to appreciate it. It all started with Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

ACTION HERO:

The good looking underdog who's task is to chase after the ugly guy. The chase often involves wreaking havok and mass killing. But since he's (or she's) good looking and he's (or she's) an underdog, his (or her) actions are justfied. He's (or She's) usually the one who wins at the end of the story.

ACTION VILLAIN:

The ugly looking underdog who's usually misunderstood. His (or Her) story is usually not heard or included in the story. Nobody is supposed to care about his (or her) character because he (or she) is supposed to scare or annoy the audience. He (or She) is usually the smart one, tho. But of course, the hero has to win. So, he or she has to die or be exiled at the end of the story.

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful" - Who's fault is it?

We live in a competitive society where even those who are below our equals or our competition radars try to compete with us. And believe me when I say that no matter how much we tell ourselves and our friends that "they" don't affect us, they actually do. In fact, they are oftentimes even more annoying than those people we perceive as our equals or our competition. That's why we see a lot of angry and distressed stats about "insecure" and even "ugly" people. This is true especially for those who never initiates bitchiness in a room. I, for one, had been a victim of this crazy scenario a couple of times and had blacklisted people because of this. I've been shouted at, gossiped and devalued when I never had the intention to get into such mess because a hostile environment is too toxic for me. I thrive where there's respect and peace. It's where I'm happy.

But it got me into thinking. Is it entirely the fault of those people who hate us because they're insecure? I used to think that it is, but I changed my mind. When we put our blame entirely on them, we become the bitch. We have it all; we are pretty, smart and desirable. What's left for them? Perhaps they're devalued a lot because of their lack of this and that. So even if they secretly admire or love us, they're on the defense. Because they have none. So, whenever they see us, they feel threatened. Human by nature is territorial. All of us are inclined to protect what we believe belongs to us or should belong to us.

So, while it's natural to initally hate our haters, it's wrong dwell on the pain they've caused and put the blame fully on them. Because as long as we look and act threatening, it'll always be partly our fault. In fact, we must learn to say "I'm sorry if I was threatening to you. I'll do my best to make you feel good as much as possible" sincerely. In that way, they'll see their value. Once they do, that's only the time that they will see us not as a threat but as a friend. I think looking non-threatening is a must have skill.